Revelations

This week, things got a little bit awkward with people that are in my life.  Disagreements about gay rights and marriage equality took place that left both parties possibly offended.  Understanding what they truly thought about both subjects were truly enlightening.  However, after it was all said in done, I almost wish I never knew their thoughts on the subject at all.  It will definitely put a rift in the relationship we had no matter how much I wouldn’t want that to happen.  Someone who is all for gay rights surely would think be in favor of marriage equality I thought.  I was wrong.  Marriage is a religious institution I was told and religion doesn’t believe gays should be able to get married.  They should have the rights that go along with marriage but not the word itself.  Ouch.  My brain translated like this.

You are less than.  My God doesn’t believe you are worthy of the word Marriage despite him making you the way you are. 

Unacceptable.  But I conceded.  Further discussion was not warranted.  No views would be changed and only further awkwardness would arise.

All I kept thinking in my head is, They don’t get it.  And I really don’t think they do.  Unless you have lived a life in a gay persons shoes I wouldn’t expect them to.  They dont see the hundreds of organizations out there whose sole purpose it is to make sure gay people dont have the same rights as others.  They dont see or know of the hate crimes against gay people every single day.   They cant understand that separate is not equal.  Granting rights without the word is not good enough.  It still says I am less than deserving of the word marriage. 

People scream about it being a religious institution and therefore cannot simply have gays marrying.  Its in the Bible they say!

An abomination.

Me. 

An abomination.  Brings back memories of being called a filthy faggot by a man standing on a street corner when I told him I didn’t agree with his sign saying gays were sinners.  Or when another person called my friends and I “nasty queers” and to “get out of their neighborhood”.  Or when my own father would call me a gross faggot after every argument growing up.  Or when I was told by family members that God wants me to live a life of solitude by myself and to not act on the desires which I have.  Because the love I have to share is not worth sharing with another human being and that this was my cross to carry. 

God made me this way so that  I could live a life alone. A lonely abomination. 

And all along I just thought I was the funny weird guy.  But that is apparently what the Bible says.  The book of all books that tell people how to live their lives and they best way to be good people.  I do not bash the people who follow this book.  Nor do I want to.  I just try to point out the hypocrisy of double standards with those who do.  I know plenty of the most amazing Christians that are truly Christ like.  Giving, loving, caring, non-judging, happiness for all, even gay people.   I want to fill my life with these people. 

However, this Religious institution I know is all a big hulabaloo.  Sure, most churches within Christianity are against gay marriage and against gays in general.  We are in fact sodomites.  But then there are some religions who do in fact understand that the Bible was written by men thousands of years ago.  A time when slavery was acceptable and marriage meant men being a husband of several wives.  But times change.  Society changes.  And these Christian views should change too.  Some religions have understood that.  The Unitarian Church a few blocks from my own house for example believes that gay couples should be able to marry. Why can’t I get married in that Church and obtain all the same benefits that heterosexual couples do.  Because Religious Freedom is a one way street sometimes.

Religious Freedom in America is one big hypocrisy.  Look at how Muslims are revered in our country.  People won’t even let them build their places of worship due to fear of Sharia Law spreading like wildfire through the lands. 

Fear.

Isnt that what a lot of this is about.  Fear of the things we do not know or understand.  

A new fear of mine is that I am afraid to know what those around me truly think of me and my “gay situation”.  There are some amazingly great people in my life, but if they tell me I am not deserving of the exact same rights that they enjoy, Im sorry, but that changes what I think of you.  I refuse to stand by and further grow a relationship when someone can justify in their head that because of the way they their creator made me, I am not worthy of something they are.  This is a scary mind set to be in.  I don’t want to lose anymore friends or family over “my sin” but how can I invite people like that into my life knowing what I know. 

In the end I know I am deserving of love. Not a life of desolation. I know I should not be discriminated against for the way I was born. And I know I shouldn’t invite people into my life that don’t want me to have the same rights that they enjoy. Every single last one. Even if it is just a word.

Quotations

”Don’t speak to me about your religion; first show it to me in how you treat other people. Don’t tell me how much you love your God; show me in how much you love all His children. Don’t preach to me your passion for your faith; teach me through your compassion for your neighbors. In the end, I’m not as interested in what you have to tell or sell as I am in how you choose to live and give.”  ~Cory Booker ~ Mayor of Newark, NJ

Personal Politics

I hate politics.  I really do.  It takes up too much of my day trying to weed through the lies, stretched truths, red herons, and opinions that are misconstrued as facts.  I go to the Fox News website to get my right wing views.  I still find it hilarious to see the Fair and Balanced logo under their name.  Cracks me up every time I see it.  Then I go to Huffington Post to see stories that go completely against what I just read on Fox News.  Definitely a far more left leaning site, but not as biased as Fox News. Then I end at CNN.  Generally can get the actual news there without much of a slant or opinion based “facts”.  By the end of it, I am left confused and often less informed than I was before I started my gathering of the news.

I wasn’t always a political junky.  The fiancé was the one to blame.  I love him AND hate him for it.  I am completely happy that I can make informed decisions when I vote.  I am completely happy that I know which politicians are sleezy lobbyist paid scumbags and which ones are in it for the right reasons.  (At least I think I know)  I am also completely happy that I know which ones think that because I was born gay I deserve to be discriminated against in many aspects of my life.  This I have to say is the main reason which is why I cannot just let the political asshattery go. 

For MOST people, the person who gets elected into any political office, generally isnt completely impacted on a personal level.  Sure, your taxes may go up or down slightly.  You may think your guns are going to be taken away from some liberal leftist even though that never happens and never will.    And unless you are a woman having abortions on a yearly basis, even legislation passed in regards to that that doesn’t truly effect people until the need to have an abortion occurs.  Now it does appear I am down playing these issues.  Which maybe I am because they don’t affect me to the point where I raise hell about them. 

But ya know what.  The game of politics are played more so in this current day and age against people like me than ever before.  The Conservative Right tries to block every piece of legislation that is for furthering the rights of gay people.  The reasons vary but generally the Bible is brought into play.  But getting into that is a whole other post and don’t worry, I’ll write that one some point in the future.  Anyways, as a young 20 something homo, I want a future that is filled with possibility.  However, a certain political party believes that my future shouldn’t be filled with the same things their futures hold.  Republicans feel that smaller government is good government.  However, when it comes to gay issues, the more government the better.  Why?  Because it has no effect on them whatsoever.  And it plays extremely well to their  Christian base.  They may not hate gay people, but they sure don’t want us to be happy. 

Sodomites.Perverts.Molestors.Sickos.Fags.

Only a few words lifted from the Fox News website left by commenters on an article about gay rights.  Praise!

I’ve been called all of these things.  Not just in emails or online.  But personally had these things said to my face. 

Ouch.

And you know what, they didn’t even ask who I am.  They took one part of who I am, and could label me with such vicious contempt.  I mean at least they got the fag part right.  But these politicians, these are the people they play to.  I truly feel that most of these politicians are educated enough to know that gay people are not these things.  Yet they don’t dispute them when their supporters scream these things.  Why? It gets them elected.  It gets them that paycheck.  However, sometimes I myself question that.  I have met some very educated people who agree with the Homophobic base.  I suppose that makes them apart of it. 

Employment Discrimination.

I know some people who think I should not be able to hold certain jobs as a gay person.  Teaching.  Nope! Priest.  Nope!  Mechanic.  Nope!  Hair stylist.  Yep! Fashion Designer. Yesssss!  Of course, Democrats have tried to pass, ENDA, the Employment Non-Discrimination Act which would make it illegal to not hire or fire for someone for being gay, but the GOP have blocked it on each attempt.  29 States in the US currently allow their businesses to discriminate on this basis.  Pennsylvania being one of them.  Ridiculous!

Marriage?  Hell no!!! 

Religious freedom they all scream! Yet the hypocrisy in those two words is laughable.  Obviously, plenty of religions believe in same sex marriage. And a large portion of people don’t even want a religious marriage ceremony.  A civil one would do just fine.  But of course me being able to marry the person I love intrudes on every one else’s life.  So lets ban it! Not just ban it though, have it written in the Constitution to have it outlawed!

DADT.

Don’t Ask Don’t Tell.  Ohhhh mama! You know whats horrible.  A gay person protecting this country.  Nothing pisses off a cowardly non-military redneck more.  We don’t need pansies in the military they say.  Think of all the male on male rape that will happen if we allow this they say.  However, despite all the uproar.  Despite all the lies, the allegations that soldiers would leave the military in droves, and men having sex in the battlefield.  None of it never happened.  Of course.  Because unlike the people that screamed these things, we don’t think about sex 24/7.  Let alone gay sex that much.  Its on their minds much more than it is on ours. 

Gay Adoption.

A child needs a mother and a father.  This is the talking point that people against gays adopting use most often.  Laughable to some.  Strongly held belief to others.  My thoughts….A child needs a loving damn good parent.  And if they have the opportunity to be privileged in this day and age with two parents of any gender that love them, than they are extremely fortunate.  But being a good parent is most important.  I have the love to give.  I have great morals to pass on so that my child will grow up to be an amazing contributing human being.  But for some people, that’s not enough.  No adoption for you they say.  Not good enough by their standards.  Today, only Florida has an open ban on gay people adopting.  I suppose those kids are better off in foster care and in adoption agencies.  What a shame.

Welfare.

Not gay related but I can certainly relate.  My family was on welfare for a few years when I was kid.  Without this assistance from the government, my family would not have eaten.  Times get tough for millions of families and it angers me when I see Republicans rail against food stamps and those on them.  Yes, there are many who abuse the system. Yes, there are many who don’t need to be on welfare.  But that number is far less than those who actually need help and rely on this assistance to feed their families. 

This is why politics are so important to me.  It is entirely personal.  

We have one side saying we accept you, we love you, embrace you, and will have a safety net for you when you need one.  We have the other side running on Sodomites.Perverts.Molestors.Sickos.Fags.Welfare Queens.

Its not about the money and taxes.  Its not about small government or big government.  Its politicians limiting me on my pursuit of happiness.  And that is when they crossed the line.

Obama 2012.  

Song of the Second

Above and Beyond: Small Moments Like These

A stunning classical piece by a normally electronic trance group.

We Are Infinite

Bliss (bls) :   perfect happiness; serene joy

On evenings after work, my routine is the same.  Go home, throw off my business casual attire and throw on some comfortable shorts and tank top.  Take my dog to the park to run and around and be a dog with other dogs rolling around in poop and dead animals.  Since my back deck has been finished, I have been generally grilling my dinners and sitting on my back deck to eat my meal and watch the sunset.  This occurs when its not 95+ degrees outside.  

Well yesterday evening the weather was perfect.  The city was quiet.  And my grilled chicken was probably the best grilled chicken I have ever made.  Succulent, moist, flavorful, and cooked perfectly.  That paired up with a side of Kraft Spiral Mac n Cheese created a splendid dinner.  So far this evening was fairing quite well.  So I decided once more to up the ante for myself.  Poured myself a glass of Champagne and made a small plate of Strawberries and Blueberries.  

Fancy pants I know!

I grabbed the book I started reading the day before, "The Perks of Being a Wallflower".  I had made it about 25 pages in and the book was not what I expected it to be.  However, "they" say its a good read.  I am not sure who "they" are, but Ill trust them.  

So I read several dozen pages more and I am slowly getting hooked.  Finally getting to the point where I am relating to the characters and actually caring somewhat about them. I forgot to add this book is based in Pittsburgh.  Which is the city I lovingly call Home.  So I get to the point of the book where the main characters are riding through the Ft. Pitt Tunnel and one of the characters is standing in the back of a pickup truck heading out right into the city.  Its an amazing scene at the end of this trailer which you can see in below.  

And in the book, the text reads "Right now, we are alive.....And in the moment I swear we were infinite."

Ugh.  I took about a minute to relish in those words.  

Eyes closed.  Sunshine emanating from the beautiful sunset warming my skin.  Perfect 70 degree temperature. Slight breeze. Birds chirping.  Me. My dog . Earth.  In that moment I was infinite. 

Life stopped. 

I soaked that in for as along as I could.  I was in perfect bliss.  And I knew it and I wanted to be in that moment and soak up every sound, feeling, and emotion I had at that time.    

And then I heard it. 

Notorious B.I.G.'s Hypnotize blasting from a cars speakers as it drove right through the stop sign next to my house.  

Bliss ended.  

But I will remember that moment where not a care ran through my head.  And life for that short period was as perfect as it could be.  

I hope to find more of those moments.  Even if for a few seconds before fleeting into the loud urban jungle that is Pittsburgh.  

I Do....If They Let Me

There are certain occasions in one's life that are once in a lifetime. Times like these are heart-stopping, tear jerking, and joyous. These moments are rare and beautiful.

Several weeks ago, one of the most momentous and special events happened in my life. I had planned this moment for a month or so although I had been waiting for what seems like my entire life to actually have it happen.

Over 5 years ago, I met the person who pretty much completes me. I met the person who sometimes laughs at my jokes - luckily more often than not. I met the person who puts up with my endless singing with lyrics that I make up as I go. And since I sound like Josh Groban is quite a delight to all in earshot. And addition to all that, he happens to be cute! What more can someone ask for?!

Everything had been planned and then due to circumstances out of my control needed to be replanned. The day, the location, the details all had to be changed but ultimately it didnt matter because all that mattered was that we were both there for it to happen.

June 13th not only is the day of my birth but is now the day I became engaged. Or as I like to call it, Gay Engaged. Engaged to me means being able to actually legally get married. However, loving Christian Republicans have enshrined it into our state laws that loving committed gay couples cant legally say our I Do's and obtain the coveted marriage certificate. So when I say Gay Engaged, it means that we wont have any legal recognition at all as a married couple. However, thats not why we want to get married. We want take part in this ever changing tradition because of one reason. We love each other and we want to make that commitment to one another in front of those friends and family whom we want to share that moment with.

Unfortunately, we live in a world where the Bible is used to trash people like myself. To condemn me to hell and cast as a perverted piece of trash. People in my own family have passed their judgments on me. Luckily, most of my family is completely accepting and supportive. However, the one person who I would want the acceptance from most, is the very person who tells me at the end of every phone call that she prays for me to eventually come around to the other side. Nice. Keep on prayin.

That person is my own Mother. When a couple becomes engaged, you want to shout it from the roof tops! You can't wait to tell everyone you know and love the absolutely fabulous news that you are gonna be married! Everyone for the most part knows of my upcoming nuptials. But not her. She has let it known that she doesn't think I should be able to marry the person that I've come to love.

This.Kills.Me.

No matter how much I inform her and try to educate her about my sexuality, it does no good. She knows what the Catholic Church says about people like me and that's all she needs to know. In her words, "It's my cross to carry". When the time is right though, I will let her know. I'll probably hear a *tisk tisk* as she lower her head in shame and disappointment. I'm preparing myself for that moment cause I know it will be like a knife in the heart. Definitely not the response anyone wants to hear when sharing the amazing news of being engaged.

But this is her and I accept that. I didnt choose this way of life for myself. But she is choosing to go through her life feeling the way she does.

Choices. Priorities.

My heart knows whats real though. My soul tells me this is right. Stay objective. Stay true to oneself. Stay strong. I tell myself this every morning.

I do these things for myself and for Craig. It builds our bond and our relationship and makes a better us. With marriage set down the road somewhere in the future, and when so much of the world is completely against us, we have the assurance of knowing we have each other's back no matter what. We cant rely on anything or anyone but us to make it work. And that's just how I would want it.

-JB

Hi

New beginnings. New Blog.

Welcome back to those who were daily readers of my old blog which shall remain nameless hence forth. Greetings and hello to those who have stumbled on this blog for one reason or another.

Here will be the digital ramblings of a mid 20s gay man whom will make every honest effort to keep readers coming back for more. My last blog was a little no holds barred. There were no limits on discussion points. My anonymity perhaps fueled that design. But here, you will all get to know me. With great power, comes great responsibility. My power lays within my fingertips typing ever so feverishly on my Dell keyboard. With time, I will bestow my vast knowledge of all things politics, sexuality, religion, music, pop culture, and possibly most importantly....myself and my life.

Please let me warn you, incorrectly used grammar will be present and I may even throw in some extra commas where my brain believes they belong. Although my writings skills may lack the very thing I aspire for it to have, you know actual skills. Ill try to be as poignant as possible and I can guarantee that I will always be sincere and convicted with what I write.

Welcome to We Carry the Fire.

-JB